Tonight, in a discussion, my husband said, “It doesn’t matter what I say, you always have to be right.”
Is that true? Do other people feel that way? Have I alienated people because of my need to “be right?”
Today’s conversation was about walking the dog. He got out his jacket and made the comment “Guess I’ll go do my new job and walk the dog.” I said I don’t understand why I have to walk him twice and he only walks him once. His response was “He’s your dog.” To which I replied but you are the one who wanted to bring him here. (Long story short, we moved and left his two dogs with my dad but took this one with us. And my husband was the one who wanted this dog to come with us, day one.)
This is when he said, “It doesn’t matter what I say, you always have to be right.” It irritated me, but it made me think.
I can see where he gets the thought from because I do, almost always, have a retort when I feel like I’m being blamed for something. Tonight I felt like he was blaming me for having to walk the dog again. It’s a defense mechanism. I’ve done it my entire life. I’ve always had to reason out why something is the way it is. I work my way back through my thoughts to every event and statement that lead to where we are right now. And if I feel that I am not to blame, then I bring up the things that occurred that make me feel that way.
I grew up in a home that was full of turmoil as a child. I was constantly blamed for things or made to feel like I wasn’t good enough, like I hadn’t done a good enough job, like I needed to defend myself and the things that I’ve done. It’s ingrained in me now to do this. So it happens without me thinking about it.
How do I make him understand? How do I make others understand? I’m not saying anything is your fault. I’m just saying it isn’t mine either. When I do this, it’s because I feel attacked, even though when I replay that conversation a thousand time, I know that’s not what is being done. BUT it takes those thousand replays for me to realize this. I don’t know that I have the ability to not feel attacked in the moment.
The best I can do is to ask forgiveness for misreading the conversation. And hope that is enough.